Our Fervent Prayers

It's been a roller coaster. We did get a different mattress, one with air compartments that is supposed to help keep the skin healthy. The 'Hoyer' lift was delivered also. The sling fits around his back and under his legs, but it squeezes his shoulders, hips, etc. and is uncomfortable for him, but aids us tremendously in getting him out of bed. We were not very skilled at it's use. Dean said he felt like a monkey swinging from branches but he couldn't find the next one. We have gotten a little better. His appetite has been stable. He remains alert and verbal and has enjoyed his visitors. He had a call from his lifelong friend Don and it was so good to hear him actually laugh. My sweet friend Gail loaned me a good blender as mine is old and worn out. She also brought some elk meat. Sorry that Dean won't be able to enjoy it with us. And she got me an upside down tomato growing thing which I'm going to hang on the front deck where hopefully the deer will not tread.

Dean continues to weaken. We have tried getting him to the edge of the bed and lifting him to a standing position, but his legs no longer support him. His complaints about his legs and feet being 'dead' have forced us to give him some drugs to help. Last night Jonathan said he was 'inconsolable' as he rubbed and repositioned him repeatedly, then finally gave him half a lorazepan, used mainly for restlessness and anxiety. Talking with the hospice nurse this morning, she said we should have him on neurontin so I reluctantly started him on those. I am also putting heated pads on his lower legs and feet. Jonathan said he noticed around 2 am that they were ice cold.

He had a couple good days last week, so good in fact that after a visitor left, he said he was bored and tired of staring at the ceiling. Bright sunny days seem worse than cloudy overcast ones. Sunny days make me feel like I need to be out doing something productive whereas rainy/cloudy days give me permission to stay in. I think Dean feels this as well. And I am so activity-minded I would be going crazy if I couldn't get up whenever I wanted. He has had to deal with the mental frustration of this as well. I was glad when cleaning out the old VHS shelf, that I found an old recorded copy of the "Ten Commandments" which I didn't remember having. He enjoyed watching beginning to end.

Personally, I have been up and down as well. The constant wear and tear of care-giving activity does distract my mind, but when I slow down, reality comes into focus and my breaking heart weeps. Life insists on running ahead full-steam, burning rubber. I am thankful, eternally grateful for the love we have. There is no need to reassure Dean that I love him, that he is and has been the love of my life, my best friend, my very special gift from God. He knows.

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of God abides forever." Isaiah 40:8