Belated Update

Well, it's been a few weeks which have flowed as swiftly as the spring melt.

Dean is still with us.

Since the last post, he had a couple pretty good weeks. Other than not being able to get out of bed, he was awake, alert, watched a movie now and then, greeted guests and welcomed phone calls. His appetite and eating were good. We went through a time of trying to balance his digestive system. He became extremely constipated, then when we got through that, he went the other way. It was very high maintenance for about a week before things settled down.

We aren't able to get him out of bed without using the lift/sling thing. He chose to just stay in bed because it hurts him and he felt he was going to fall through. It's probably been over a month now since we had him up. Now when we sit him up to change the bedding, he has difficulty holding up his head or sitting up straight.



Btw, I have mostly recovered (thank You Lord) from whatever caused my low red blood count. After a followup chest xray and two more blood tests, my count went from 7.7 to 8.8 to 9.8 (it's supposed to be 12). I've actually be able to do a little yard work. I go back next week to be tested again. The doctor has no educated guess other than the first chest xray did show 'some fluid' between my lung and ribcage. The second xray showed none.

Most of the time Dean has been himself. When I asked about what ladder he left at the last house in which he worked, or what weight oil do I put in the mower, or where is the extra paint he used on our house, he is able to tell me. He also has had numerous times when he puts thoughts together that don't make sense. The nurse assures us this is normal. He occasionally tells us about something that we need to take care of. We tell him we have already and not to worry. It puts him at ease.

I have never in my life been around anyone going through the end of physical life process. Hospice has been helpful, and there is good educational literature. But many times it seems we are taken by surprise. And it happens so quickly. Just last weekend, Dean had me bring him the phone so he could call a few friends and family. We weren't able to get through to a special friend in Costa Rica. Then it got late and he said he would try the next day or so. But by then, he was losing the ability to talk plainly. He slept all day Sunday except for 20 or 30 minutes total. I thought it was just that he was extra tired that day. But these last few days that sleep pattern has continued. He has eaten only once a day, just an ensure drink, though today while his good friend Paul was here, he asked for some black bean soup. His mouth and tongue are like dried leather and he can no longer get water through a straw. He can handle the drink better as it is thicker, but tires halfway through. His speech has become so altered as well by the dry mouth and throat, that often we cannot decipher what he is trying to say. I have to ask him to repeat, one word at a time which he patiently does, though not quite able to enunciate. Our conversations have been reduced to addressing the most basic needs.

For this I was not ready. I didn't know that our ability to have conversations would end so abruptly. It is difficult to hide my heartache when he speaks to me with only his eyes.

Thankfully he still has no pain. He knows us. He knows every visitor that comes. He looks forward to visits and will sometimes ask 'who is coming today?' Many came shortly after he was put on hospice care but not so many lately. I do want to thank those who have sent cards -- I read them to him several times. And those of you who have stopped by -- thank you so much. Thanks Ron and Debbie for sending your heartfelt thoughts. Dean was very moved. Thanks Suzanne for the photos and video of Christmas Valley. Thank you Sandi. He so appreciated your visit. And many thanks to his long-time faithful friend Paul. Also thank you Don Z. for your calls -- I am sorry I didn't get back to you while Dean was able to talk. The very next time he is, I will call you. Thanks Ruthia for stopping by. Thanks Cynthia for your kind thoughts and emails. Thanks Val for checking up on us. Thanks Mimi for loving us all the way from Sydney. Thanks Marilyn and Charles for keeping in touch. Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers. Many thanks and blessings to you Pamella for mowing our field. Please don't feel obligated, but know that you are most appreciated.

The hospice nurse came today. She brought some saliva substitute to help with his dry tongue. She gently left things unsaid. She ordered some liquid morphine for us to have on hand if needed...She called in a refill for his daily steroids. Both were delivered this evening...enough steroids for fourteen days...I want to crawl into his bed and curl up next to him. I want him to hold me...one more time.